Shedding labels: Growing from the anxious one to defining your own role
Your friends always refer to you as “the anxious one.” Your feelings are never validated and you are made to feel like you are just different, maybe even difficult.
Your family always jokes about:
How shy you were as a kid
How much reassurance you needed even for the simplest of situations
How afraid you were of everything
Your friends may poke fun at:
How sweaty your palms always are
How you’re always 3 hours early to the airport
How you never seem to go anywhere without a perfectly laid out agenda
When most people in your life talk about you, there seems to be a common theme - you can't just chill. But now you’ve gone to therapy. You’ve done the work.
You meet new people with an open mind
You give yourself all the reassurance you need on your own
You show courage in confronting life’s daily challenges
You became better at calming yourself in the same situations that used to make you sweat
You only get to the airport 2 hours early now
You compromised to not having an agenda on the weekends anymore
All of these are signs of progress that lead your therapist to remind you to give yourself the positive affirmation you deserve. Yet for all the work you’ve done, you feel as though no one else in your life sees this newer, more relaxed you. Despite all the effort you’ve put into therapy, the growth that you’ve experienced in your life, no one seems to notice except you.
If the above scenario resonates with you, I have so much compassion for you.
Here’s why:
When you’re part of a system - whether that be family system, a group of friends, or a cohort, you exist in that system with an unspoken but defined role - in this case, the anxious one. Systems rely on organization, and thrive when each part of the system sticks to their defined role. When you joined your system, you took on the role of the anxious one, and the other people in your system responded to that. Your role helped shape others’ roles, and reinforced others’ ways of behaving in the world; the system’s caretaker, for example, is quick to support others but likely does not look out for their own needs.
If you enjoyed high school science, you may remember that systems like homeostasis. In non-scientific terms, this effectively means that systems like to stay the same, and don’t love or easily adapt to change. In caveperson days, this was adaptive; people needed to stay together to increase their chances of survival. In modern-days, this homeostasis can come with side effects.
While you’ve changed and shed your personal identity of “the anxious one,” it’s likely that your system hasn’t caught up with you yet. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this - hey, it’s biological! On a personal level however, this stagnation likely feels frustrating to you. You may find yourself thinking, “Why do people not see how much I’ve changed?” or “Are they always going to treat me like this?”
While people in your system may be slow to catch on, remember that other peoples’ ability to adapt to your changed behavior will likely be slow, and that your progress is still valid! Remind yourself that despite who sees it, your change is real and meaningful, and you can and should be proud of how far you’ve come.
Learn more by visiting these popular resources:
Hopkins Medicine: How to help someone with anxiety
UC Berkeley’s Greater Good: Seven ways to help someone with anxiety
Despite all the effort you’ve put into therapy, the growth that you’ve experienced in your life, no one seems to notice except you.