Identify, Focus, and Process: Resilience even without others understanding

Written By Harper White
Online Therapy California CBT Counselor Counseling Therapist Resilience Family Relationship Conflict

You show up each week in therapy to process the good, the bad and the ugly from your childhood. Your therapist spends time validating your feelings and you gather the confidence to share what you’ve learned with your parents but your feelings end up getting immediately invalidated by the people who have known you your entire life. All of us have been there, we feel empowered by someone who validates our experience and we share these moments of growth with our parents only for them to get defensive or dispute our feelings.  

You walk away from your parents upset, in pain, disappointed and ultimately frustrated. There is a real hurt that comes with the realization that your parents did not and continue to not show up for you in the ways you need. Maybe experiences that you thought were normal were actually quite traumatic. You might find yourself wondering “What’s the point of acknowledging all this if my parents/family will never be able to understand my experience?”

A therapist doesn’t encourage you to talk about these painful experiences to isolate you from your family or to create more conflict. In fact, it’s quite the opposite, a therapist helps you build skills in resilience by:

  • Identifying the emotions that  you stored in your body because you did not feel safe in those difficult moments to share and ultimately release them and be met with grace and compassion. 

  • Focusing on what you can control by accepting the limitations of parents/family who have not been able to meet your needs. 

  • Seeking out guidance from supportive family members and friends who know the best way to help you at the moment. 

  • Processing the grief you feel about what you needed growing up versus what you received. 

  • Setting goals for your relationships and identifying the values that you want in a partner, friend, and family member who you give permission to receive your vulnerability. 

It can be difficult to confront these feelings because you were not provided the safety to process openly and feel seen, heard and validated by the people you are closest to. You can practice these skills in resilience to overcome these toxic cycles and you deserve relationships that meet your needs. Through therapy, you may feel immediate or gradual relief from the weight of these feelings being lifted off your shoulders and sometimes just venting is a good place to start.

Harper White
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