Authenticity: The key to a healthy relationship
My partner and I just had another argument and it feels like they walk away feeling better but I definitely do not. Is it normal to fight this much about the same things? Is this gaslighting? Are my needs even valid? Do they even know what I need? This is probably the first question we should have asked ourselves. This isn’t to say it’s all your fault: both people need to work on improving communication in order to improve a relationship. But let’s focus on what you can control.
In the middle of these arguments, your inner thoughts are likely:
“It’s okay” (even though it’s not)
“I think they understand” (even though they don’t)
“Can we stop arguing already” (even though you still don’t feel heard)
“What do they want to hear right now?” (even though they don’t know what you need to hear right now)
When you regularly accept your partner giving you less than what you deserve in an argument (or in a relationship), you are training your partner to say/do more things that do not meet your needs. It’s just like stopping a timeout when a toddler starts throwing things or turning off the loud noises when your dog starts chewing on the center table.
I understand how reinforcing behavior works but how is this authenticity in my relationship? You owe your partner your true authentic self including your personal and emotional needs. During your first couple of arguments you might tread lightly but regularly neglecting your own needs is not sustainable. Eventually even the most patient and passive people get frustrated and start to speak up for their needs out of desperation. But all of this can be avoided if we are authentic and assertive about our needs from the very beginning, setting a clear expectation for what you deserve in your relationship.
Learn more by visiting these popular resources:
https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/intermittent-reinforcement-relationships/