Exclusive or Continue Exploring: Making Decisions with Clarity and Confidence
It all starts with “Are you ready to be exclusive?”
You stare at your phone, your thumb over the message notification. It’s a text from someone you’ve been seeing for a few months now. The message is sweet, casual, but has an undertone of something more. Something serious. And you know where this is going. The question you’ve been trying to avoid looms larger: “Are you ready to be exclusive?”
By the way Align Community, in case you’re wondering, we recommend waiting before you respond to this text. It’s way easier to apologize for a delayed response than it is to apologize for changing your mind later. You’re also more likely to prioritize your own needs over theirs if you wait before responding.
It’s not that you don’t like each other. Your partner is kind, attentive, and you have real chemistry. But in the back of your mind, something is holding you back. Maybe it’s all the matches on the apps that keep popping up. Maybe it’s the temptation to keep your options open, to see who else is out there. You’ve rushed into things before and ended up hurt. The worst feeling is thinking this relationship is it when it’s really not.
Why is this so hard? Your friends make it sound so easy: find someone, see where it goes, and eventually, it feels right and you commit. That’s it. But things are never that simple for you. In the past, you’ve committed too early or stayed too long in relationships even though they don’t share your long-term goals. The emotional injuries from those experiences lingered and then turned into triggers. Now, you’re cautious to the point of indecision. The fear of repeating past mistakes is too much.
Maybe this relationship is different. Or maybe it isn’t. How are you supposed to know?
Time to Go Back to the Dating Apps
You shake off the idea of exclusivity. You start convincing yourself the flaws in the relationship are actually worse than you thought so you can get back on the apps.
Why should you stop dating other people when you’re still figuring things out?
You open one of the apps. There’s definitely options. A message from someone you’ve talked to already and the endless scroll of your matches. Your matches seem nice, attractive, interesting—but most importantly, no pressure. No immediate expectations. You could keep things light, casual, and fun. No need to dive into emotional commitment where you can be disappointed or hurt.
Your therapist’s words start forcing their way into your mind like your late arriving best friend squeezes next to you at a crowded birthday dinner. “And how is that going for you?” is exactly what Molly would say right now. “When are you going to stop hurting yourself for others?” is exactly what Fidel would say in this situation. This just sounds like avoidance. You know from being in therapy that avoidance doesn’t actually solve anything. It just relieves temporary stress and begins a cycle that usually creates long-term stress.
The people you meet on the apps are never really as great as you think. The conversations become hollow, like background noise drowning out something much more important—the voice inside you that wants clarity.
You realize it’s not really about your relationship or your endless matches on the apps. It’s about you. And you don’t feel so sure who you are in all of this. You feel like you’re trapped in an endless cycle of choices and possibilities, none that actually feel authentic to your true self.
But then again, do you even know what your true self wants?
It’s Not You, It’s Me
You realize you’ve been looking at this decision through the wrong lens. It’s not just about whether you should go exclusive or keep your options open. The deeper issue is that you haven’t defined what you truly value in a relationship. How could you make a decision about exclusivity when you don’t even know if your relationship, or any other relationship, aligns with what you truly need?
You’ve swiped through the dating world, focusing on attraction or excitement, but never paused to ask yourself what your core values were:
Is authenticity more important than excitement?
Should you prioritize how they make you feel over shared interests?
What does commitment even mean to you?
You’ve tried so hard to avoid your past mistakes that you’ve never taken the time to figure out what you truly wanted in the first place. This is an example of fear-based thinking. You’re avoiding fear which means you feel relief but that’s not the same as feeling happy. Feeling happy means taking risks, especially calculated risks with known variables like what matters most to you in your relationships.
Let’s Be Real
The time is now to have the conversation you’ve been avoiding—not with your partner, but with yourself.
Journaling works for this kind of stuff sometimes even if you feel awkward about it at first. But as you start writing, your thoughts pour out faster than you can keep up.
By the way, we recommend you actually write instead of typing. Writing in a journal becomes a ritual to help you reflect every so often instead of a chore you can do on your phone when your mind is elsewhere.
You write about the relationships that hurt you, the times you invested too soon, and the moments you felt unappreciated or misunderstood. And then, you write about what you truly want—deep, honest connection. You want someone who values growth and authenticity as much as you do, someone who isn't afraid of emotional intimacy.
Now the words really flow and you write about how you want a relationship where vulnerability is a strength, not a liability. A partnership where both of you feel like be your true selves without judgment.
Something starts to shift. You weren’t confused before because you were afraid of commitment (okay, maybe a little). You were more confused because you hadn’t clarified your values. Once started to figure those out, the decision didn’t feel so overwhelming anymore.
Being Authentic and Assertive About Your Values
You give yourself permission to take a deep breath. You close your journal. For the first time in a long time, you feel a sense of clarity. This isn’t about exploring options on the apps or deleting the apps and choosing exclusivity. It’s about figuring out your values and making decisions that align with those values. This is what authenticity feels like.
You don’t need to rush into exclusivity. You don’t need to keep yourself emotionally distant out of fear. Be clear with yourself—and eventually, with your partner—about what you want. Then, you can figure if both of you are on the same page.
You pick up your phone again, but this time, you close the dating apps. Instead you choose authentic, assertive communication by replying to the message you left unread:
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’d love to have an honest conversation about where we’re at. I value what we have and I think it’s important we’re both clear about what we’re looking for.”
That felt right. It’s not desperate. It’s not avoidant. You know you haven’t solved everything but it’s the first step toward committed actions that align with your values, the first step towards healing your relationship wounds.
Remember, you can take risks on your way to finding the relationship that meets your true needs, the path isn’t always linear. But the key to making the best decision isn’t found in others, it’s within yourself. By identifying your core values, you can approach your relationships with clarity, confidence, and authenticity.
Want to practice making decisions with clarity and confidence?
How does making decisions based on your values help you build skills that align with our core values?
Authenticity: By understanding what you truly want, you start choosing yourself over conforming to others’ expectations.
Balance: By pausing to reflect before making decisions, you don’t rush into commitments and can balance your own needs with those of your partner.
Assertive Communication: Being grounded in your values helps you build the confidence to express your needs without fear or avoidance while establishing essential boundaries.
Emotional Intelligence: Clarifying your values and journaling allows you to reflect on your emotional triggers and patterns, fostering greater empathy and self-awareness.
Resilience: By aligning your actions with your core values, your decisions are made with confidence that feels more permanent and guides you towards a stronger sense of self.
The concepts that created the foundation for this article are examples of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Solution-Focused Therapy goals and techniques. Fidel and Molly are two of the many therapists at Align that specialize in helping you identify your core values.